Some things you never get over 

   “GET OVER IT!” my friend barked at me.

   “It’s not like I lost a gerbil,” I snapped back.

   “You don’t need to get snotty about it,” she retorted.

   That little exchange took place eight years ago, five months after my youngest son’s fatal car accident. Of course my friend had no idea what I was going through. She’d never even lost a gerbil. And that isn’t so uncommon. With modern medical wonders, people can live well into their seventies before even losing a parent, so grief is a feeling they can’t even imagine, much less understand.

   As I read the obituaries over the holiday season, I was saddened to see all the people in my community who were thrust into bereaved parenthood. They’ll not only have to deal with their loss, but also with clumsy comments from friends trying to help.

   Most people sincerely want to help, but don’t know what to do. Often they do nothing to avoid doing the “wrong” thing. So The Compassionate Friends, a support group for bereaved parents made a wish list, consisting more of attitudes than actions for friends and coworkers who would like to help. Some of their wishes are:

   1. Please don’t be afraid to speak my child’s name or talk about him. 

   2. If I cry while we talk about my child, please let me cry, for in doing so you help me to heal.

   3. The death of a child is not like any other. Please do not compare it to the death of your mother, best friend or pet.

   4. Please don’t tell me what you would do if you were in my shoes. You have no way of knowing.

   5. I will have emotional ups and downs. If I’m having a good day, don’t assume I’m “over it.” If I’m having a bad day, please don’t suggest I need psychiatric counseling.

   6. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious. Please don’t shy away from me.

   7. Please don’t offer me drinks or drugs. They are temporary crutches and the only way to get through grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.

   8. Please don’t expect my grief to be over in six months. It may take years. And even then, I will never be a “former” bereaved parent.

   For anyone grieving the loss of a child, The Compassionate Friends, a secular support group, meets at First Baptist Church in Lawrenceville. ( www.tcfatlanta.org ) Griefshare ( www.griefshare.org ) a Christian Biblically-based support group for any grief experience, meets in churches all over Gwinnett County. And both Web sites provide sound advice for helping bereaved parents “get over” not their grief, but maybe some hurdles. 

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