Mothers and Fathers
by E. Noel Preston, MD

   Children seem to be more emotionally attached, or bonded, to their mothers than to their fathers, and I think this is because children have more physical contact with Mom than they do with Dad. From conception onward, children are more intensely, intimately connected to their mothers than to anyone else. Dad simply fertilizes the egg, but Mom carries the baby within her for months and months. Dad still gets to go swimming, golfing, sky diving, or bowling, but it's Mom who has morning sickness, weight gain, swollen feet and the joy of natural childbirth. And then after the baby is born, even though Dad may change an occasional diaper or try feeding the baby now and then, it's Mom who not only feeds, bathes, and clothes the baby, but comforts the toddler who falls down and goes boom, gives a cookie for being good, and does the toilet training as well. Even working Moms have more contact with their children than do the fathers. If the child's at daycare and gets sick or stung by a bee, the daycare people don't call Dad -- they call Mom, and it's Mom, not Dad, who takes time off from work to go to the daycare center, get the child, and then take him or her home or to the doctor's office.

   And so, people expect children to be more attached to their mothers than to anyone else, no matter what. My own mother smoked like a chimney, had a hot temper, and was a prolific fount of imperfect wisdom. She told family stories of her grandmother bringing an old piano by barge from Jacksonville to Crystal River, completely unconcerned the State of Florida was in the way and made such a voyage impossible. She said her grandfather was a stretcher carrier for the Confederacy because he was too young to be a soldier, but the family Bible reveals he was 20 years old at the start of the Civil War. She was wrong, she was stubborn, she was proud, and she was demanding. But she loved my sister and me beyond measure, beyond belief. and no one can take her place.

   But there's Child-Parent bonding and Parent-Child bonding. Bonding is not a one way street: It's just as important for parents to bond with their children as it is for children to bond with their parents.

   Bonding requires an emotional investment, a shared experience, and usually mothers share more experiences with and are more emotionally invested in their children than fathers are. Back in the bad old days of pediatrics before we could treat premature babies with C-PAP, steroids and ventilators, the usual treatment for a sick premature baby was oxygen, intravenous fluids, and antibiotics. After that, the policy was "Look but don't touch, and leave them to God." Doctors and nurses used to tell frightened young parents not to touch, hold, or cuddle their sick babies. We used to tell them not to get their hopes up until the baby was several days old, because "anything could happen in the first 72 hours," and about half the time it did.

   Finally, when a sick premature baby was at last strong enough to leave the intensive care nursery, the parents were emotional wrecks.
Most of them, thank heavens, were able to form close emotional attachments with their babies, but for many parents it was difficult to form a strong sense of affection for their own children. These babies grew up to have emotional problems of their own -- aloof, distant, and friendless.

   When my youngest daughter, Erin, was 10 years old, she was at a friend's birthday party and jumping on one of Satan's major instruments -- a trampoline. She didn't fall off the trampoline and hurt herself on the steel frame or collide with another child: she landed squarely in the center of the target and bounced straight up, and in mid-air her ankle cracked and broke. Erin's mom was at another daughter's band concert and couldn't be reached, so the birthday girl's mom called me. It was at 4 o'clock on the Friday afternoon of Labor day weekend, and the traffic was awful. When I got to the house Erin saw me in the doorway and she burst into tears. It was the first time I had ever seen my strong, smart, funny, wonderful little girl cry, and I was devastated. It was next to impossible finding an orthopedic surgeon who could see her, but I finally found Dr. Tom Cadier, a true saint, who met us at an emergency room and set her broken ankle. I had supper with Erin and kept her with me until her mother was able to take her home, and that was one of the most wonderful afternoons I can remember. Up until then I hadn't realized how much I loved my own daughter.

   Emotional investments and shared experiences like that are exceptional events for fathers. The fact that I can remember it so clearly shows how unusual it was. But encounters like this are everyday happenings for moms. Children have traumas of some sort everyday, and mothers make the hurt, the embarrassment, the unhappiness go away -- and this is what bonds them to their children.

   I used to be surprised and disappointed my mother didn't seem as impressed with my children as I was, and then it dawned on me -- they weren't me or my sister, and thus, as far as she was concerned, weren't as important.

   A neighbor makes a rude remark and hurts a child's feelings, or won't wave back from his car at the traffic light. A child is frightened by a barking dog. A sister won't share her cheese sandwich and sibling rivalry breaks out again. Fathers have a tendency to ignore these events, but mothers deal with them every day.

   And so thanks, Mom -- you weren't so tough after all.

E. Noel Preston, M.D. is a pediatrician in solo practice in Peachtree Corners. 6063 Peachtree Parkway, Suite 202-A, Norcross. (770) 448-1553. More information can be found at www.PeachtreeCornersPediatrics.com

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