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Potty train like a Jedi
and avoid the ‘dark side’
As I sat reading an article about the upcoming Star Wars movie, I suddenly had an epiphany: Potty training our son had been like training a Jedi Knight!
This realization was immediately followed by another epiphany: If I hadn’t married my wife before the release of the second Star Wars trilogy, chances are I’d still be single.
Later that evening, I devised a Jedi potty-training program; something that would be spiritual, aggressive, and, hopefully, a lot less messy. What follows are some basic principles.
Because of our subject matter’s explicit nature, we will be using GALACTIC terms during this discussion. That way, whenever you see it, you’ll immediately know I’m BEING SUED BY GEORGE LUCAS.
To begin our training, we must understand THE FORCE — which is a field of energy that exists within all living things. It can’t be seen or touched. However, when it is "strong" in your Jedi, it can be smelled, especially if it’s on the DARK SIDE. It’s important to remember that with the proper training, THE FORCE can also be used for good. In this case, we’re talking about keeping the EVIL GALACTIC EMPIRE from spreading anywhere outside of your Jedi’s shorts.
Before your Jedi tries to conquer the EVIL GALACTIC EMPIRE, though, you should start with teaching him how to use his LIGHTSABER. Now, unless your son is extremely gifted, I’d suggest avoiding "Ben Kenobi’s" approach to LIGHTSABER training, which was to blindfold his student and let them swing their LIGHTSABER around until they hit a flying orb similar to a piñata.
In short, unless you have a lot of disinfectant on hand, let your child keep his eyes OPEN during this training phase. And let me just say that involving a piñata would be a big mistake.
Next is something referred to as the "Jedi mind trick," which is a special power that Jedis use to influence the thoughts of the weak-minded. This will come into play about the same time your child realizes that conquering the EVIL GALACTIC EMPIRE can be a little scary. To avoid this confrontation, your Jedi may assert his mind powers in the following manner:
Master: Come, let us continue your training.
Jedi: Go DOOKU now.
Master: But we must flush the EVIL GALACTIC EMPIRE from the galaxy.
Jedi: No. Go DOOKU now.
Master: (Sensing a disturbance in THE FORCE) I fear, young Jedi, that we are already too late.
Unfortunately, there isn’t enough room here to include some of the more advanced principles of Jedi potty training, such as dietary tips to help avoid encountering the DARK SIDE in the first place, as well as things you can do to help initiate your own JUMP TO LIGHTSPEED should the EVIL GALACTIC EMPIRE suddenly appear.
However, I am putting together a book on the subject titled: Ten things Darth Vader never told you about potty training.
Look for it on bookshelves.
Just as soon as I finish talking with Mr. Lucas’ attorneys.
051605
Ned
Hickson is a member of the National Society of
Newspaper Columnists, and an award-winning humor
columnist for the Siuslaw News in Florence, Oregon.
His weekly column appears throughout the Northwest,
as well as in Michigan, Connecticut, Georgia,
Tennessee and Alabama. He lives on the coast with
his wife, two children, and entirely too many
seagulls.
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