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Be safe: Avoid Jessica Simpson
during a lightning storm
Here on the Oregon coast, lightning is a rare phenomenon. So rare, in fact, that most of us have absolutely no idea what to do in the event of an electrical storm. I know this because, as an Oregonian, I can attest to the fact that most of us run to the nearest plate glass window to watch lightning, often while wrapping wild game in tinfoil and exclaiming, “Wow, did you see how close that was?! We better take the TV antenna down!”
It was because of this that Hands Across America did not include holding hands with anyone in Oregon.
As a columnist with the awesome power of the print media at my disposal, I have an opportunity — an obligation, really — to help educate my readership and perhaps save the lives of as many as a dozen people.
However, before we talk about safety, we must first understand lightning and its relation to space.
Space is what I must fill each week in order to keep my job; therefore, we will start with the atom.
If you were to break the universe down to its most basic element, you would probably get in really big trouble. You would also get one of the smallest forms of matter known to man—the atom. To give you a sense of scale, it takes nine atoms to make one Jessica Simpson bikini. Following that line of thought, it takes approximately nine Jessica Simpsons to make one Oprah Winfrey. And while one Oprah Winfrey makes more money than nine Jessica Simpsons, you will eventually discover a fundamental law of physics, which is that one bikini will not fit around nine Oprah Winfreys.
Especially if that bikini belongs to Jessica Simpson.
My point, of course, is that if I ever want to see my wife in a bikini again, I really need to move on.
This brings us to static electricity, which is caused by the interaction between protons and electrons within an atom. Protons contain “positive” charges. Electrons contain “negative” charges. As atoms come into contact, they exchange protons and electrons, creating charges that eventually show up on your Visa bill in the form of static.
For example: If my wife were to find the purchase of a Jessica Simpson poster on our credit card, the result would be...?
You guessed it: Static!
That static is then carried directly into the atmosphere on sound waves created by...?
You guessed it: My wife!
Once it reaches the atmosphere, static is then transformed into super-charged electricity as it comes in contact with other bits of static from other wives whose husbands weren’t smart enough to use cash when purchasing their own Jessica Simpson poster.
It is this super-charged static electricity that eventually forms lightning bolts, which return to the earth and strike unsuspecting husbands — usually while they’re watching the American Music Awards.
Okay, now that we understand where lightning comes from, it’s time to discuss safety.
First, it is a common misconception that the safest place to be during a lightning storm is inside a car. While a car certainly offers a protective barrier between you and a rogue lightning bolt, it’s still not as safe as the protective barrier created by...?
You guessed it: Nine Oprah Winfreys!
Still, the safest place to be during a lightning storm is indoors. This is because metal plumbing and electrical wiring create a protective web that will carry a lightning strike to the ground. Because of this, it’s important to stay away from windows, plumbing fixtures, electric appliances, and, if at all possible, Jessica Simpson.
I hope this has been helpful.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I promised my wife I’d put more tin foil on the TV antenna.
011005
Ned
Hickson is a member of the National Society of
Newspaper Columnists, and an award-winning humor
columnist for the Siuslaw News in Florence, Oregon.
His weekly column appears throughout the Northwest,
as well as in Michigan, Connecticut, Georgia,
Tennessee and Alabama. He lives on the coast with
his wife, two children, and entirely too many
seagulls.
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