|
Shooting a country music video?
Avoid the Black-Eyed Four-Step
Admittedly, being a humor columnist has its privileges:
Complimentary full-body waxes.
Unsolicited fruitcake.
Tickets to the World Toilet Expo.
The list goes on.
However, occasionally I’m invited to be part of something really cool that doesn’t require shaving my entire body or sitting on a giant, revolving commode that burps. In this case, I’m talking about being on the set during the making of a music video for country singer Adam Marshall. According to Adam and his producer, after reading some of my columns, they thought it would be fun to have me write about the making of their music video, “Cowboy Hat.” As an added bonus, they created a part just for me, in which I play the pivotal role of “Crowd Member” who, according to the script: Could be replaced by a coat rack if necessary.
The truth is, I’ve been a fan of country music for years and probably would’ve pursued my own career if things had turned out differently, and my musical talent had extended beyond being able to perform the drum solo from “Wipeout” on my inner thighs.
Because of this, I had to settle for the only record deal I could get, which is a generous contract entitling me to 15 free CDs, as long as I agree to buy one John Tesh album sometime before I die.
Because I have no experience in front of the camera (not counting the occasional home video, where, in most cases, I’m either choking on a bratwurst or trying to pull an appendage out of something), I’m not sure how I’m going to do when it’s time to start shooting. Chances are, the director’s command for “ACTION!” will then be followed by someone screaming “MEDIC!”
My wife has spent the last few days helping ease my fear of cameras by sporadically leaping out of closets or from behind furniture with our video camera rolling. With her background in social behavior, she insisted this process would eventually cause me to build a resistance to my fear. So far, all we have is about 90 minutes of footage with me screaming from various places throughout our home — kitchen, tool shed, crawl space under the house.
I’m not sure what she thought was going to happen when she surprised me in the bathroom, but once I stood up and started running for the door, we were both screaming. Even if this doesn’t work, it won’t be a total loss because, after we get this thing edited and add some music, I think we’ll have a good chance of finding a distributor at Sundance.
In some respect, I suppose my wife’s idea has worked; as long she isn’t allowed anywhere near a camera on the set, I’ll be just fine.
The other thing I have to worry about is dancing. This is a music video, after all, and a good portion of it takes place in a country bar with Adam Marshall singing. I’m assuming this will lead to dancing. Possibly even to the Cotton-Eyed Joe or Texas Two-Step.
Or, in my case, a dance I created while living in Texas called the Black-Eyed Four-Step, wherein I would accidentally step on the feet of various women throughout floor and get punched in the eye by their boyfriends. I should mention that I was always completely sober and, in each case, had started out dancing with my wife before getting disoriented by my own boot scootin’ boogey.
So, when the video airs in April, don’t be surprised if I’ve been replaced by a coat rack.
Especially once they’ve seen my rendition of “Wipeout.”
022105
Ned
Hickson is a member of the National Society of
Newspaper Columnists, and an award-winning humor
columnist for the Siuslaw News in Florence, Oregon.
His weekly column appears throughout the Northwest,
as well as in Michigan, Connecticut, Georgia,
Tennessee and Alabama. He lives on the coast with
his wife, two children, and entirely too many
seagulls.
Archive
|
