|
Men: If you forget Valentine's Day,
you'll need a good plumber
Given that Valentine’s Day is coming soon, I’m guessing that a lot of men are just beginning to realize they’re in serious trouble. If you are one of these men, do not panic! As men, we will stick together and, through the power of the Internet, call upon the romantic wisdom of men from around the world.
And hopefully come up with at least ONE good idea.
Keep in mind that if you wait until the last minute (and by that I mean finding a deadbolt installed on the bedroom door), you will be well beyond the flowers and candy stage, and any attempt to utilize such devices will likely result in a mouthful of roses and vase stuffed with chocolate. No, my friends, we must think big; we must think outside the candy box; we must think of something other than Victoria’s Secret; and we must think of something other than Victoria’s Secret...
Sorry, did I already say that?
The reason I can offer you Valentine’s Day advice is because I am a savvy columnist who anticipates the needs of his readers (and his wife) thanks to experience, planning, and yesterday’s timely arrival of my two children, each of whom was carrying a paper Valentines heart they’d colored for Mommy.
Because of this, I was left with enough time to establish a special chat room designed to gather helpful tips from some of the world’s most romantic men. What follows is a direct transcript taken from that 30-minute endeavor.
Me: Hello? Hello? Anybody?
I’m sad to say the only hit my chat room got came from someone called Luvmonkey, who wanted to chat about things that had absolutely nothing to do with monkeys. This left one final option, which was to race across the Internet, where I discovered some interesting Valentines traditions from other countries which — by comparison — could make even the most romantically challenged man appear to be...
Well, less of a love dunce, anyway.
First stop: France.
I started here because, as everyone knows, the French are the world’s greatest lovers, a fact that was confirmed by a random poll of more than 300,000 Frenchmen. According to tradition, it was customary for the French to hold a drawing involving young unmarried people, who would go into houses facing each other on the street. They would then call out from window to window, chanting: "Vous aux tre mon ami!" which, roughly translated, means: "My bidet is clogged!"
Following this tender courtship, the occupants from both houses would then emerge and, in a fit of uncontrollable passion, secretly confess the name of a good plumber.
I also tried Italy, which customarily had young people in Rome gather at a large, ornamental garden to hear music and poetry — after which they would stroll off in enamored pairs to look for broken sprinkler heads. This custom ended recently when it was discovered that the garden has no irrigation system, leaving Italians to ponder what its young people have been DOING all this time?!
Okay, to summarize what we know so far: We’re in big trouble, and neither the French nor Italians are going to help us. This, of course, leaves only one option.
But for those of you without children, I’m afraid you’ll just have to make your own paper heart.
020705
Ned
Hickson is a member of the National Society of
Newspaper Columnists, and an award-winning humor
columnist for the Siuslaw News in Florence, Oregon.
His weekly column appears throughout the Northwest,
as well as in Michigan, Connecticut, Georgia,
Tennessee and Alabama. He lives on the coast with
his wife, two children, and entirely too many
seagulls.
Archive
|
