Dumb Stupid Parents, Dumb Stupid Children
by E. Noel Preston, MD

   Susan and I went out to dinner this past weekend and were seated next to a table where a man and his wife in their mid-forties were trying to Talk Some Sense into their teenaged son. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop, but the stridor and intensity in their voices made it impossible not to hear them. The boy, who to this pediatrician seemed to be no more than 15 or perhaps 16 years old at the very most, looked like a typical upper-middle-class suburban white teenager: he had curly blond hair combed up over his head that abruptly turned horizontally straight out over his eyes like the brim of a baseball cap, and it was obvious that what Dad and Mom were saying was going in one ear and out the other.

   The youngster apparently had some talent as a golfer and had come to the attention of a possibly famous golf person who wanted to take the teenager with him on a world tour lasting several months -- either as a caddy (not very likely) or as an assistant. In return for polishing the golf clubs and shining the golf shoes, young laddie would have the opportunity to see world class golfers up close and personal and learn about the game and business of professional golf. 

   Dad did most of the talking, but Mom made occasional supporting comments. In a nutshell, what they said was something like this: We are happy you have a talent for golf, and if you want to be a professional golfer we don't want to stand in your way. This is your life to live, and you should follow your dream. I was never able to do that, and if you want to be a golfer and have the chance to learn from world-class golf touring professionals, this may be your golden opportunity. We do feel you would be better off finishing high school and going to college, but we feel this is your decision. You can do a lot more in life if you have a college degree than if you don't. You will meet more important, more educated, more powerful people if you finish college, and as your parents, we think it would be better if you stayed in school. But this is your choice and we will stand by whatever you decide. But even though we know it's your life and your choice, we really, really hope you decide to stay in school. Really. Really and truly. After about 45 minutes of this nonstop blathering they finally left.

   What in the world is wrong with this picture? The parents have abdicated their responsibility, they have resigned as their child's protectors, they have turned over their authority, they have lost their power, they have given up their very existence as parents -- that's what! The power to keep a child from running out in the street and getting hit by a truck is the same power that keeps that truck out in the street and unable to come into the yard and injure the child. The power to protect comes from the power to proscribe. When those well-meaning, but ineffectual, parents spoke to their son as an equal, they weren't investing him with power. They were robbing him of the security of their own.

   What I wish Dad and Mom had said was, "What happens if you fall off a ladder and break your arm and can never play golf again? What happens then? Or, if you're really such a hot shot young golfer, you can have your cake and eat it too -- every college in the country will offer you a golf scholarship, and you'll have a college degree and a chance for a golf career as well. And what I was amazed they never, ever said was if this 35 to 45 year-old man wants to take a teenaged boy around the world on a tour that lasts for months and months, how do you know he isn't some pervert who wants to molest you? What are you going to do if you're off in Australia or Scotland or Singapore and he wants to take you to bed with him? There are all kinds of good reasons this is a tremendously bad idea, and we won't agree to it, and you're not going." But they didn't. Instead they had this bizarre conversation on a Friday night at an expensive restaurant and spoiled dinner for everyone within hearing distance of them.

   Aside from the fact that they might be unwitting accomplices to the sodomization of their own son, this was naive, stupid, dumb behavior. There is a reason people can't sign contracts until they are at least 18 years old. People need to learn the consequences of making poor choices, and there's only one way to do it -- the hard way. People will never learn how to develop Plan B if nothing ever happens to Plan A. And that's why adolescents need parents -- to let them get a few scraped knees and bruised elbows, but to protect them from really bad things, like dishonest salesmen or child molestors pretending to be talent scouts for golf tours. 

   Last year in the check out line at a supermarket a young family had paid cash for their groceries and was about to leave. Their young son, who looked to be about 2 years old, suddenly saw an inflated balloon and started crying that he wanted it. The young father only had a few coins left. His wife had only a few more, and they didn't have a credit card. Instead of telling the child no, you can't have a balloon today, they kept looking through their pockets for more loose change. By now the child was bawling. The woman in front of me offered to help, but all she had were a few nickels and dimes and this combined effort still came up about 16 cents short. And then the cashier said, that's all right, I have a spare 16 cents, and so mother, father, kindly shopper and cheerful cashier all chipped in together to get this 2-year-old child a balloon. And then the whole family trooped out with goofy smiles on their faces like the idiot villagers in “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” I saw them in the parking lot a few minutes later trying to get the balloon in their car, and they looked even dumber than before.

   What in the world is wrong with this picture? If you tell a 2-year old he can't have a balloon, it doesn't mean you've stopped loving him. It doesn't mean you're a mean and horrible person. It just means he can't have a balloon today. What it does mean is that this 2-year-old is going to have a tantrum every time something he doesn't like happens that he can't control. It rains on his birthday party. His friend can't come spend the night because he's sick. His dog ran away. His parents say no, you can't go around the world with some 40-year-old man who might be a child molester. And so the child goes ballistic. If this is the way he is at 2, what is he going to be like at 12, or 15, or 18, when he has to do his homework, or feed the dog, or go to summer school instead of camp?

   Parents who want to give their teenagers "growing space" are really letting them grow like weeds. When we give our teenagers their own private phones, their own rear staircases, their own cable TV's, their own mini kitchens with mini refrigerators and microwave ovens so they can eat alone without having to endure supper with the rest of the family, we are saying, "we don't want you around, we don't care what or when you eat, we don't care what movies or TV you watch, or what you do on the Internet, or who your friends are, or where or when you go to bed." And so we have drug and alcohol and tobacco abuse, and teenage sex and adolescent pregnancies, and gang wars and school bullies and shootings at high schools and teen suicides. When we say we want our teens to "have their privacy," we are also saying, "we have our privacy too, and we don't want you disturbing it." And so families drift apart, and that's how our children will raise their children.

   Parents who simply provide safe lodging, such as a roof over their children's heads and food in the refrigerator and beer and cigarette money whenever their teens want it, are not really parents. They are just hoteliers catering to lazy, amoral, ineffectual, occasionally charming, but mostly boorish incompetents.

   When something simply can't go on forever, it eventually stops. 

E. Noel Preston, M.D. is a pediatrician in solo practice in Peachtree Corners. 6063 Peachtree Parkway, Suite 202-A, Norcross. (770) 448-1553. More information can be found at www.PeachtreeCornersPediatrics.com

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