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Outlook for the future of education?
Just Pee-Chee
Like many of you, we spent last weekend shopping for school supplies. We did this with the help of a convenient checklist which, judging by its size, was provided by the Mead Corporation. When I was a kid, our back-to-school "supply list" consisted of a Star Wars notebook and a Pee-Chee folder.
The notebook helped us organize our assignments; the Pee-Chee folder was used for entertaining ourselves during class by drawing thought balloons for the athletes on the cover.
Football Guy: (Getting tackled) "Oh sure — run the old L-42 play, THAT always works..."
Relay Guy: "If my team likes me so much, how come MY baton has a fuse in it..?!"
Tennis Girl: "If my skirt gets any shorter, I’ll be playing Olympic volleyball..."
You get the idea.
Just about everyone remembers this folder because, like Al Sharpton’s hair gel, it has remained virtually unchanged since 1964. What has changed, however, is the growing list of items parents must provide at the start of each school year — in addition to rudimentary things, such as clothing, snacks and a recent urine sample. The reason is simple: The government is tired of wasteful spending, particularly in the educational system, where a special task force has discovered that schools routinely get bilked into spending thousands of dollars on paper alone.
"And, shockingly, most of this paper has turned out to be blank," said White House spokesman Fred Netterman.
The study, code-named "Operation: Waste Storm," was described by Netterman as "the first step in a three-pronged approach to end overspending in four areas of education."
Netterman later apologized, saying his initial figures were incorrect, and that it was actually a four-pronged approach.
"The point is, I’ve been promised as many prongs as it takes to get the job done — that’s how serious we are," said Netterman, who revealed that "scissors," "glue" and "construction paper" were other pork barrel items targeted by the study.
"Obviously, we’re approaching construction paper with a great deal of sensitivity since, in addition to money, it involves issues of color."
When asked if making additional cuts to education contradicted the President’s "No Child Left Behind" law, Netterman said it did not, arguing that it was the President himself, back in 2000, who stated: "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
Netterman explained that withholding $60 billion from education will encourage schools to do more with less, which will go further in preparing children for the real world than making paper hats and collages — items which, as Netterman pointed out, could be outsourced to children in Taiwan and imported for half the price.
"In addition to the cost savings, think of how it would bolster our relationship with the Taiwanian people," said Netterman, who underscored his statement by pointing to a map of Japan.
So, how will all this affect our children’s education?
To be honest, I’m not sure.
But I’m sure, eventually, everything will be just Pee-Chee.
Ned
Hickson is a member of the National Society of
Newspaper Columnists, and an award-winning humor
columnist for the Siuslaw News in Florence, Oregon.
His weekly column appears throughout the Northwest,
as well as in Michigan, Connecticut, Georgia,
Tennessee and Alabama. He lives on the coast with
his wife, two children, and entirely too many
seagulls.
091304
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