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Consumers can rest easy,
thanks to Mr. Knowitall
Even with the Internet at our disposal, finding reliable consumer product information can be an arduous task that, with one slip of the keystroke, could land you on a site for cross-dressing Pee Wee Herman impersonators over the age of 50.
To make matters worse, anyone who has ever visited a corporate Web site knows that finding information on anything other than price, caloric intake or a list of ingredients (which usually has at least a dozen names resembling a first grader's attempt to spell xanthochroid) is next to impossible.
Because of this, we’re proud to bring back a question-and-answer feature called "Ask Mr. Knowitall" which we hope will provide you with a reliable resource for consumer information as we enter the busy holiday season. Due to the enormous volume of mail we’ve received, letters will be answered through a lottery-style process.
Meaning that, until he wins the lottery, Mr. Knowitall will continue to answer your letters.
Let us begin.
Dear Mr. Knowitall: I heard that Northern recently introduced a new paper towel that claims to be 400 percent stronger than other paper towels. Is this #%@$ TRUE!?
— Curious Consumer (and CEO of Brawny Paper Towels)
Dear Curious: Though Northern offered to provide us with their test results, we decided to conduct our own independent study, which began with dropping a one-pound Chihuahua from our office roof onto a wet paper towel suspended by volunteers. Both Northern and its competitor passed this initial testing phase. However, I’m sad to say that our first 400-lb. control subject went completely through the competitor’s paper towel. Unfortunately, our study was rendered inconclusive after our second test subject refused to jump.
Dear Mr. Knowitall: Do those electronic muscle stimulators really help trim fat and tone muscles?
— Really hope so in Redding
Dear Really: The principle behind the device is the utilization of a sequence of small shocks to stimulate muscle activity. An easy way to think of it is to visualize a car and its battery. Now visualize the car, its battery, and a pair of jumper cables clamped to your buttocks as someone starts the engine. While there’s no scientific proof this will trim fat and build muscle, studies suggest that most people find themselves stimulated enough to go to the gym after one session.
Dear Mr. Knowitall: I’m looking at getting my husband something to help with his snoring. Any suggestions?
— Yawning in Yonkers
Dear Yawning: There are a lot of products out there that claim to end snoring problems, and most of these products are 100 percent effective. And though they may look and cost differently, these devices all rely on the same three principles:
1) Fit into someone’s nostrils
2) Be really uncomfortable
A combination which,
3) Keeps snorers from sleeping
My advice is to try rolling him on his side. If that doesn’t work try rolling him the other way. If that doesn’t work, keep rolling until you hear a big thud. Repeat this until he’s too frightened to sleep.
Well, that’s all the time we have for this installment of "Ask Mr. Knowitall."
However, in answer to one question that many of you have been asking: Yes, Northern’s 400-percent-stronger toilet paper will soon be on the shelves.
Naturally, we plan to begin our own independent study.
Just as soon as we find a volunteer willing to document our findings.
112904
Ned
Hickson is a member of the National Society of
Newspaper Columnists, and an award-winning humor
columnist for the Siuslaw News in Florence, Oregon.
His weekly column appears throughout the Northwest,
as well as in Michigan, Connecticut, Georgia,
Tennessee and Alabama. He lives on the coast with
his wife, two children, and entirely too many
seagulls.
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