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If you want to golf with me, wear a hard hat
Though I’ve only been golfing a few times in my life, it was clear that my reputation had preceded me at the course last weekend. I know this because golfers immediately traded ball caps for hard hats, then scurried down into the sand bunkers like allied forces preparing for heavy fire.
As I took a practice swing, the surrounding trees emptied of all bird species — not in a smooth, organized pattern, but in a frenzied explosion of flapping and panicked birdsong that left three Canada geese lying unconscious in the rough.
(Speaking of which, I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize once again for the tragic death of that swan near the putting green. Had I known the difference between a putter and a pitching wedge, things might’ve turned out differently for that majestic creature.)
Because of my past experiences, I was determined to make things different this time.
How?
By becoming more comfortable with the game. Like a lot of people, I’ve always been intimidated by golf. This stems from my fear of unintentionally doing something which, as a result of NOT knowing the proper etiquette, gets me clubbed to death by someone with a 9-iron. What’s confusing is that actions which would justify a good clubbing under normal circumstances are actually no big deal in golf.
You want to swing your club and take a six-inch gouge out of an otherwise perfect lawn?
Fine.
Want to drink a beer AND drive an electric go-cart through the woods?
Perfectly acceptable.
However, walk between someone’s ball and a small hole in the ground, and there’s a good chance you’ll be found floating in a water hazard.
Once I felt comfortable with the basic etiquette of golf, I then focused on the fundamentals. This starts with finding your “natural swing.” Ask any golfer the secret to finding this, and they’ll tell you its all about having the proper grip. To achieve this, make sure the back of your left hand and the palm of your right hand are both facing your target. Then, in a smooth arc, bring them up to your mouth while making sure not to spill your beer. After several practice swigs, you’ll be ready to leave the cart and try teeing off. This may not improve your swing much, but it will provide you with a legitimate excuse as to why you shot a 168 on a par 72 course.
All in all, the thing to remember is that you will undoubtedly make some mistakes your first time on the course.
That’s to be expected.
What won’t be expected, however, is a hollowed-out golf club that can be loaded with tees and used as a blow gun should you need to defend yourself.
052404
Ned
Hickson is a member of the National Society of
Newspaper Columnists, and an award-winning humor
columnist for the Siuslaw News in Florence, Oregon.
His weekly column appears throughout the Northwest,
as well as in Michigan, Connecticut, Georgia,
Tennessee and Alabama. He lives on the coast with
his wife, two children, and entirely too many
seagulls.
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