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Attach a vacuum nozzle to your mammilla
to show Mom you really care
Soon, it will be Mother’s Day.
For many of you, it means sending a flowery card that says all the wonderful things you’d say if only you had a thesaurus and someone from Hallmark breathing down your neck. The truth is, the true meaning of Mother’s Day has been lost over the years thanks to stupid greeting cards filled with heartfelt phrases like:
If your love were an ocean, you would’ve drowned me as a child.
Or,
When I think of love, I think of you. Because of this, you have no grandchildren.
Or,
With every smile, I remember a special moment that will never ever be forgotten.
Happy belated Mother’s Day!
The true meaning of Mother’s Day, as any mother will tell you, has absolutely nothing to do with flowery cards or fond memories — and everything to do with sacrifice. That’s right. You want to let Mom know you really care? Forget about comparing her to "a beautiful rose laden with thorns of caring," and, instead, remember all the stuff she endured for you even before you HAD a memory. If you’re not sure where to begin, I have two words for you:
Breast Pump.
True, not every mother utilized this torture device, but the mere thought that she could have is reason enough to be grateful. If you don’t believe me, go right now to the nearest full-service car wash, attach an industrial car vacuum nozzle to one of your mammilla, push the on button, and keep it there until your chest resembles a deflated balloon animal.
Then switch sides.
Repeat this process three times a day for at least six months, WITHOUT the aid of alcohol.
And remember that breast pumping came after nine months of losing control over most of her bodily functions, including — but not limited to — food cravings. These cravings came as a direct result of your needs inside the womb, even though, in many cases, those needs could gag a contestant on Fear Factor. But she did it anyway, in spite of the fact that, as you were developing and shaping, so was she: Developing swollen feet the size of couch cushions, and taking the shape of a giant Weeble capable of destroying Tokyo. Keep in mind that during this process, she was still merrily preparing for your arrival by hanging borders, assembling mobiles, making trips to the doctor, all while visiting the bathroom once every three minutes.
Then finally, to show your appreciation upon arriving into the world, you treat her to an episiotomy.
Chances are, you won’t find any of this in a greeting card. Mainly because there are very few phrases that rhyme with "episiotomy."
Although "The things you taught-a me since your episiotomy" has potential.
That’s why I’m mentioning it here, so that hopefully, someone, somewhere, will read this and offer me a job at Hallmark.
Okay, that’s only part of the reason.
The main reason is to say "thanks" to all you wonderful mothers out there, especially those who are celebrating their very first Mother’s Day this year.
You know who you are.
And if you don’t, try turning down that breast pump a notch or two.
050304
Ned
Hickson is a member of the National Society of
Newspaper Columnists, and an award-winning humor
columnist for the Siuslaw News in Florence, Oregon.
His weekly column appears throughout the Northwest,
as well as in Michigan, Connecticut, Georgia,
Tennessee and Alabama. He lives on the coast with
his wife, two children, and entirely too many
seagulls.
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