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Fireworks restrictions take excitement
out of having facial hair
First, the good news.
According to the National Council on Fireworks Safety, fireworks-related
injuries have dropped by 75 percent in the last decade.
The bad news, as anyone over the age of 30 can tell you, is that today’s
fireworks are about as exciting to watch as a pile of smoldering pencil
shavings.
For example: It used to be that "sparklers" actually sparkled. They
showered the air with tiny crackling embers so bright you could see them
through your eyelids. The bravest kids would spin them like propellers,
knowing full well their eyebrows would grow back by mid summer.
My kids don’t believe me when I tell them this. That’s because, each July
Fourth, they are handed "sparklers" that are basically sticks of incense
that smell like sulfur. No crackle. No shower of sparks. Just a momentary
flame as the paper wick ignites then — upon reaching its climactic flash
point — fizzles into a puff of flatulent-smelling smoke.
Note: In the event you happen to purchase a defective sparkler, and find
yourself the unwitting victim of actual spark-spitting action, DO NOT
PANIC. Call the NCFS hotline immediately so your rogue sparkler can be
safely deposited in a special, undisclosed location three miles beneath
the Mojave Desert. If there’s no time to drive to the desert because, say,
you live in Michigan, you will be instructed on how to disarm the sparkler
yourself. This will mean transporting it to an unpopulated area and,
utilizing protective gear and the most extreme caution, dipping it into a
glass of water.
Several times if necessary.
Those of you who live in Alabama or Tennessee have no idea what I’m
talking about. That’s because you have real fireworks. The kind that
childhood memories (and a good portion of our nation’s first-strike
capabilities) are made of. In addition, the only real restrictions you
have are as follows:
1) If a skyrocket is longer than your boat trailer, it must be flagged
during transport.
2) You must, by law, inform neighbors when using any fireworks that
require a dynamite plunger.
3) Though there is no limit to the number of M-80s you can join together
with a single fuse, the Department of Homeland Security warns it can’t be
held responsible should your area, as a precautionary measure, be swept
with heat-seeking missiles.
4) If you have studded tires, you must remove them. This has nothing to do
with fireworks; it’s just a friendly reminder from the folks at the
Highway Department.
And lastly,
5) Any and all skyrockets capable of leaving southern air space must be
pointed north.
The fact is, even though I whine about having wimpy fireworks here in
Oregon, at least we have them. In Georgia, they are illegal. This means
watching public fireworks displays, or, as many Georgians do, going
outside and facing Alabama. Even though these displays are beautiful, it’s
still not the same as being knocked unconscious by a runaway ground
flower. Being as I lived in Atlanta for six years, I can tell you illegal
fireworks do make their way across the Alabama border.
This, of course, is a huge problem.
Especially if your trailer isn’t big enough.
062804
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Ned
Hickson is a member of the National Society of
Newspaper Columnists, and an award-winning humor
columnist for the Siuslaw News in Florence, Oregon.
His weekly column appears throughout the Northwest,
as well as in Michigan, Connecticut, Georgia,
Tennessee and Alabama. He lives on the coast with
his wife, two children, and entirely too many
seagulls.
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