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When making a serious medical decision,
never talk to a man
My wife has a degree in social work and knows when to approach a subject with sensitivity. Because of this, I was allowed to discover, with no pressure from her whatsoever, that my new place mat at the dinner table was actually a medical brochure titled:
So, You Want To Have a Vasectomy?
In all fairness, we’ve talked about this subject before. Twice, actually; during the birth of each of our two children. I don’t remember the exact conversations. But, on both occasions, I do recall the doctor informing my wife that as far as he was concerned, the umbilical cord was the only thing we’d be snipping today. The topic also came up when we had our dog neutered. Again, because of my wife’s education and training, she avoided pressuring me and took a more subtle approach by calling our dog "Ned" for a week.
After this morning’s breakfast, which began with my wife repeatedly cracking two eggs together and then scrambling them — one pair at a time — in a flaming skillet, it became clear that the subject of a vasectomy needed to be addressed. So, after breakfast, we sat down together and discussed the issue like adults.
We went over the information carefully.
We educated ourselves on the mechanics of the procedure.
We weighed the pros and cons.
Then, together, we joined hands and pried my knees apart so I could drive to work.
To help ease my fears, my wife suggested I talk to other men who have had the procedure done. This makes perfect sense if you’re a woman. That’s because women are educated about their bodies, while men, according to a recent study conducted by the American Medical Association, are "complete morons concerning their anatomy." Keep in mind that some have argued the study was inconclusive since researchers openly admitted their interviews "were continually being interrupted by laughter and fart sounds."
This isn’t to say getting a man to discuss the details of his vasectomy is difficult. What’s difficult is getting him to explain it in a way that doesn’t scare the pants off of you — which, of course, is his main objective. This tradition has been passed down through the years as an "unofficial" initiation rite in this "unofficial" club to which, officially speaking, no one really wants to be a member. In terms of membership enthusiasm, I’m guessing it runs neck-and-neck with The Hair Club for Men.
On the other hand, there are plenty of valid reasons to have this procedure done, each of which should be listed on a sheet of paper. Bring this list with you on the day of your surgery. That way, when you see the surgical knives and forget who you are, you’ll at least have a way of remembering why you are there. And if you happen to forget your list, don’t worry; chances are your wife can recite it for you.
From memory.
In the form of a rap song if necessary.
Being as I haven’t actually had this procedure yet, I can’t provide any real insight into what to expect (For those who might be wondering, that sound you just heard was my editor’s sigh of relief.) What I can tell you is that thousands of these procedures are performed every day. In the rare instance that something goes wrong, rest assured your odds of survival are very high. Certainly higher than if you try escaping the doctor’s office without getting the procedure done at all.
Besides, considering the sacrifice my wife made in order to have our two children, the least I can do is endure a quick and relatively painless procedure in order to give us both some peace of mind. The sooner the better, in fact.
The truth is, I haven’t slept since my wife bought a new omelet pan.
070504
Ned
Hickson is a member of the National Society of
Newspaper Columnists, and an award-winning humor
columnist for the Siuslaw News in Florence, Oregon.
His weekly column appears throughout the Northwest,
as well as in Michigan, Connecticut, Georgia,
Tennessee and Alabama. He lives on the coast with
his wife, two children, and entirely too many
seagulls.
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