Being in the know 
when you have no way of knowing

   We had no clue why a helicopter was flying over our house. We had no way of knowing until the next morning that a father and son had been murdered a half-mile away. And an hour before the chopper appeared, an unsuspecting wife and mother had no way of knowing she would be stepping onto her path of grief.
That grief journey is a long, hard road and it can be even longer and more difficult when well-meaning friends have no way of knowing what they can do to help.
   For those who've lost a child, Jayne Newton of The Compassionate Friends (www.tcfatlanta.org) offers a bereaved parents' wish list. Wishes include: Don't be afraid to speak my child's name. Allow me to cry, and if I have a good day, don't assume I'm "over it." Know that most of us re-examine our faith after losing a child, so let me tangle with my religion without making me feel guilty. Please don't offer me drinks, drugs or other crutches. The only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal. (You may e-mail me for the entire list.)
   Newton also noted a Web site with insight on grief in the classroom. (http://www.tcfatlanta.org/GriefintheClassroom.html) Schools often bring in grief counselors upon the death of a student, but grief work facilitated by teachers who are part of the deceased student's community holds greater potential for healing. 
   A support group for any grief experience meets Wednesday nights at Mountain Park United Methodist Church in Lilburn. (www.mountainparkumc.org) People there echo the wishes expressed by TCF. "If people would just let us talk about our lost loved one," was the most repeated request. 
   Reverend Larry W. Rary, minister of Mountain Park UMC has been conducting grief support groups for 15 years. People in our society he says are uncomfortable talking about death. Many think the best way to support those who grieve is to help them "get over it." Keeping them from facing their loss only keeps them in grief longer. It's essential, Rev. Rary says, to let them grieve and then everyone will be more comfortable. Supporters also need to know there is no set schedule for the grieving process. For years down the road there may be "psychological POP-UPS" that bring back tears. No matter what happens along the way, the best thing to do is to just be there and listen.
   There's no way of knowing who among your friends and associates will be the next to suffer grief. There's no way of knowing exactly what that person will go though. There's no way of knowing exactly what to do or say. As Captain Jack Sparrow said in Pirates of the Caribbean, there isn't a code; it's more like guidelines. But these simple guidelines can help supporters stay on board and the bereaved stay on course. 

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