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Nothing says ‘I love you’ like putting out a flaming chicken thigh for your Valentine
As a public service to women everywhere, I am hereby issuing the following announcement to all men:
Valentine’s Day is coming soon!
If you are married, have a girl friend, or, for reasons of your own, feel a need to continue the charade of dating a Swedish airline stewardess who is always out of town, it’s time to start planning something romantic. For those of you in the latter category, this will be easy since the only person you have to worry about pleasing is yourself.
And, yes—I plan to clarify that last statement immediately.
What I mean is that every male currently in a relationship with an actual living female could, by Feb. 15, all be dating the same fictitious Swedish airline stewardess should they fail to impress their Valentines. As a result, men everywhere are panicking because we know that impressing the women in our lives isn’t easy. We realize that you are complicated creatures who need more than a physical connection when it comes to romance; you also need an emotional outlet in order to feel satisfied.
We, on the other hand, just need an outlet located near the television. Metaphorically speaking, even if romance was a
TV channel, and suddenly every station on the planet went out except for that one, it still wouldn’t make any difference because, let’s face it—
Men would curl up in a fetal position and require regular changing.
It’s not that we don’t want to be romantic. We just have a hard time expressing our emotions and allowing ourselves to become THAT vulnerable again so soon after the Super Bowl.
However, we realize how important this is and will try anyway because we care.
Sure—fear does play a small part, but mostly it’s because we care.
For this reason, I’d like to offer a few romantic tips that men can use this Valentine’s Day. As you might expect, being a man, I did not come up with all of these suggestions myself. They were given to me by my wife, who, after 13 years of trial and error, has learned what my romantic capabilities are—something best described by my pet name: Love Dunce.
Tip number one is to bring flowers to your Valentine. This seemed pretty obvious. However, my wife pointed out that, even if you don’t remember them until Feb. 15, the gesture will still be appreciated by your Valentine since she can just bring them to your funeral.
Tip number two: Dinner by candlelight is always romantic; dinner by flaming-chicken light is not. She may be impressed with your take-charge attitude as you “stop, drop, and roll” with a blazing chicken thigh, but more than likely, the mood will fade once you realize that ...well... You’re on the floor with a flaming chicken.
Our final tip is based on personal experience: Don’t plan a surprise getaway in which you whisk your Valentine away for the weekend.
At least not without telling her first.
The reason is simple. No matter how nice the hotel is, no matter how incredible the view, and no matter how wonderful dinner and dancing might be, none of it will matter if you forget to pack her underwear.
In my defense, I did remember everything else.
OK, so I essentially just dumped everything in our bathroom into a duffel bag, including several things that, as far as I know, could’ve been components to the Mars Explorer.
The point is, I tried.
And she appreciated the gesture.
Almost as much as the time I put out that flaming chicken.
020404
Ned
Hickson is a member of the National Society of
Newspaper Columnists, and an award-winning humor
columnist for the Siuslaw News in Florence, Oregon.
His weekly column appears throughout the Northwest,
as well as in Michigan, Connecticut, Georgia,
Tennessee and Alabama. He lives on the coast with
his wife, two children, and entirely too many
seagulls.
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