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Still looking for that special gift?
These products won’t help
Warning: This column contains gift ideas of an explicitly stupid nature and may not be suitable for some readers. Particularly anyone who might actually consider buying one of these items for a friend or loved one.
That’s right! It’s time once again for our annual holiday feature: Gifts That Can End a Long-Standing Relationship. As always, we spared no expense when it came to assembling a team of journalists with the talent necessary for this assignment. And, as always, we wasted those talents by spending our entire operating budget of $32 on lottery Scratch-Its. So instead, our special investigative report dwindled to me looking for gifts that actually did pass inspection, but really shouldn’t have because they’re so stupid.
I assure you that, unfortunately, each of the following items really does exist. Many of them can be found at stupid.com. which is a Web site offering gifts that are...well....
Really stupid.
So let us begin.
Sigmund Freud action figure
$5.99
This first item is the perfect gift for that special someone who should really see a psychiatrist but can’t afford one. It’s the gift that says how much you care, but that you’re really tired of listening to their whining.
Ear Lobe Directional Signals
$6.99
Light and easy to use, these battery-operated signals attach to any set of standard ear lobes and, with the flip of a switch, can immediately warn others that you are extremely weird. This is particularly useful at the supermarket during the holidays, when lines are long, isles are full, and nervous store managers—upon seeing your flashing ear lobes—will do anything to get you out of their supermarket as quickly as possible, including giving you your own express lane.
Sumo Fan
$14.99
How many times have you said to yourself on a hot summer day: Man, what I wouldn’t give for a small, battery-operated fan that looks like it’s being carried by a Sumo wrestler ..?
This incredibly life-like figure looks just like the real thing. Except that he’s made of hard plastic, stands less than six inches tall, and, for some unknown reason, is holding a giant fan.
The point is, I warned you these gift ideas were really stupid.
Camouflage Golf Balls
(3 for $10.99)
Do you know someone who loves to hike but who, unfortunately, also has an inexplicable desire to play golf? Give them a set of Camouflage Golf Balls and set both worlds on a collision course of fun! Imagine the hours of enjoyment they’ll have (depending on their slice) hiking through the woods looking for a nearly-invisible golf ball. And even if they keep the ball on the fairway, once it leaves the tee it’s as good as gone anyway because its camouflaged!
Where did it go?
Only the groundskeeper and his lawn mower will know for sure.
Gas-powered blender
$129.99
An age-old problem for men is that many of us LIKE a good daiquiri but see them as a "woman’s drink." However, any man will feel rugged making a daiquiri in the bowl of his 25cc gas-powered blender. With just a yank of the start cord, you can grab onto the handle bars and use the throttle to shift from "blend" to "frappe" — all while leaving absolutely no question (particularly in the eyes of women) that you are, indeed, a total man.
And while we’re on the subject of gifts for men, how about a Glow-In-The-Dark Toilet Seat ($21.99) or pair of Mop Slippers ($6.99)? While the toilet seat is pretty self-explanatory, the slippers, I should clarify, have mop-like fringe on the bottom so that you can clean up messes with your feet. (Wives: The toilet seat and slippers aren’t sold as a set, but, depending on your husband’s aim, you might want to consider it.)
There you have it. This year’s list of potential relationship-ending holiday gift ideas. Use it in good health.
Or, at the very least, not without a good health plan.
122004
Ned
Hickson is a member of the National Society of
Newspaper Columnists, and an award-winning humor
columnist for the Siuslaw News in Florence, Oregon.
His weekly column appears throughout the Northwest,
as well as in Michigan, Connecticut, Georgia,
Tennessee and Alabama. He lives on the coast with
his wife, two children, and entirely too many
seagulls.
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