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Save water - fix that leaky light switch
The great thing about shows like Extreme Home Makeover is that they inspire ideas on how to improve your home. The bad news is that people like me then try to implement these ideas without the benefit of a trained professional. The result is our bathroom, which currently has a commode with hot running water and a wall heater that can only be turned on by unscrewing the third bulb in our vanity mirror.
I'd like to point out it wasn't my idea to take what had been a simple plan to increase the space in our bathroom and turn it into a major remodel. However, after one teeny weenie mistake, my wife insisted on a total makeover - which brings us to our first home improvement tip: The Importance of Bearing Walls.
You will discover that there are certain walls in your home - possibly even in the bathroom - which should not be removed because, as it turns out, portions of your home will collapse. As important as "bearing walls" are to your home's infrastructure, they aren't marked as such and, as a general rule, look just like other walls in your home. Which is why anyone who accidentally removes one, thereby inadvertently causing the total destruction of an otherwise functional - though somewhat undersized - bathroom, should be forgiven for this oversight.
So, let's assume the worst happens, and you find yourself standing in the middle of the downstairs bathroom while surrounded by the upstairs closet. And let's assume your wife, in a show of support, still hasn't insisted on hiring a professional. Such as a hit man.
The next step is to rebuild the bathroom - and your marriage - as quickly as possible. To do this, you'll need organization and a basic knowledge of plumbing and electricity. If you don't possess this knowledge, don't worry! You will quickly gain it through practical experience, i.e., connecting the wrong wires and practically electrocuting yourself. Through this process of trial and error you will eventually be able to flush the commode without causing the outlets to spark.
First, however, you must clear the area of debris. Depending on the extent of damage to your bathroom, you may be able to do this quickly and easily by shoveling the debris directly through the floor and depositing it under the house. If a hole doesn't exist, feel free to make one. If your spouse catches you, feel free to crawl inside and seal it up behind you.
Once the room has been cleared, it's time to rebuild. Start with the bearing wall. Aside from its structural significance, it will symbolize the emotional healing process you are trying to foster with your wife - and help avoid the need for a physical healing process should the bathroom be out of commission for more than 24 hours.
Next comes plumbing and wiring, which, I'd like to point out, should never been done at the same time. Sure, it may be faster and easier to run new wiring through an existing water line. But take it from me: If your pet occasionally drinks out of the commode, it's not worth the risk. The same goes for any other shortcuts that could turn your morning bathroom visit into what looks like an episode of Dance Fever.
That said, I hope this advice has been helpful. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions. I'll be happy to answer them as soon as I fix this leak in the light switch.
042604
Ned
Hickson is a member of the National Society of
Newspaper Columnists, and an award-winning humor
columnist for the Siuslaw News in Florence, Oregon.
His weekly column appears throughout the Northwest,
as well as in Michigan, Connecticut, Georgia,
Tennessee and Alabama. He lives on the coast with
his wife, two children, and entirely too many
seagulls.
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