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Hold on to your giblets! It's time to prepare that very first Thanksgiving turkey
The countdown has begun, and soon, thousands of newlyweds will be in the kitchen preparing their very first Thanksgiving turkey. As a service to our readers, we felt a responsibility to help educate people about food-borne illness by offering a special holiday feature that we like to call:
Don't lose your giblets this Thanksgiving.
Being a writer, I've naturally spent a good portion of my career working in the food service industry. And like most writers, it was there that I was able practice my craft and eventually acquire something that ALL good writers must have: A Food Handlers card.
Because of this, I can stand before you as someone highly qualified to talk turkey.
So let us begin.
Unless you actually live on a turkey farm (in which case you'll be serving ham or nachos or meat loaf or microwaveable pork rinds or ANYTHING but turkey this Thanksgiving), your bird has probably been somewhere in the bottom of the freezer since last January-in most cases, right next to that unlabeled container of something which, in its frozen state, has become completely unrecognizable. This means that you will have to thaw your turkey before cooking it. To estimate how long the thawing process should take, the rule of thumb is 24 hours for every five pounds, which means that if you forgot to pull your bird out ahead of time, you'll be thawing your turkey with a blow torch like the rest of us. To determine if the meat is thawed enough, conduct the following test:
1) Lift turkey over head and drop onto kitchen counter.
2) Repeat until turkey no longer sounds like bowling ball, or until what's left of counter collapses to floor.
In either case, your turkey should then be ready to prepare for cooking.
First, reach into the abdominal cavity and remove the giblets, which,
apparently, all turkeys conveniently wrap in wax paper and then swallow moments before death. Next, you need to immediately place the giblets into the refrigerator in order to ensure that they don't accidentally end up on the kitchen floor and then get thrown away after being mistaken for cat vomit.
If you choose to cook the stuffing inside the turkey, make sure that you don't over stuff the body cavity. This can impede the cooking process and provide a breeding ground for food-borne illness. In addition, the expansion of cooked breadcrumbs in a confined space can lead to what culinary experts call "Exploding Turkey" syndrome. Though it's not lethal, it will mean a substantial delay in festivities while everyone waits for you to scrape the stuffing from the ceiling.
Important tip for first-timers: Once the bird has been stuffed, remember to put the legs into a tucked position using twine or a metal clip. This is important because, if you don't, the legs WILL spring up and do the splits at some point during dinner.
Okay, not really.
But if that does happen, you may want to put the turkey back into the oven for a while-assuming you haven't lost your giblets.
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Ned
Hickson is a member of the National Society of
Newspaper Columnists, and an award-winning humor
columnist for the Siuslaw News in Florence, Oregon.
His weekly column appears throughout the Northwest,
as well as in Michigan, Connecticut, Georgia,
Tennessee and Alabama. He lives on the coast with
his wife, two children, and entirely too many
seagulls.
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