|
Men: To
help your wives avoid jail time, go now
and return those stupid gifts you got them
Several
years ago, I bought my wife an Epilady shaver for
Christmas. Because it was a sleek, modern, electrical
device costing over $50, there was no reason to suspect
it would feel like someone had just ripped the hair out
of her legs using Super Glue and a roll of duct tape.
While I’m sure I’ve gotten my wife gifts she
didn’t really like, she’s always accepted them
graciously. But in this case, as she chased me through
the house completely naked and swiping at my scalp with
her new Epilady, two things came to mind:
1) She really hates
this gift, and
2) I shouldn’t have
gotten her the cordless model.
Now, before I get an
angry letter from Park Products, Inc., I should clarify
that this was a long time ago, and I’m sure the latest
model is a vast improvement over the one my wife hurled
through our bathroom window.
My point is this:
Men, if you’ve gotten your wife a really stupid
Christmas gift, it’s not too late to save yourselves.
Even if it means dropping the newspaper right NOW and
wrestling your wife’s gift away from her.
She may be shocked.
She may get her
feelings hurt.
But trust me, it’s
better than what’ll happen if she unwraps her present
and finds a purse that looks like a coconut. As cool as
it may have seemed when you bought it, chances are it
will go totally unnoticed by the people who matter most
— such as detectives searching for the weapon used in
your murder.
“I know this is
difficult, ma’am, but did your husband own a cannon
ball or something similar that could’ve been used to
beat him with?”
“Hmmm. Not that I
know of. Would you care for a mint?”
“Say, that’s a
cool purse.”
“It was a gift from
my husband. [Pretending to cry] It was the last thing he
ever gave me...”
“Well, he obviously
had good taste — OUCH!”
“I’m sorry. Did I
close it on your finger?”
The first step in
defusing this situation is acceptance; as men, we must
accept the fact that we are — by our very nature —
total gift-giving morons. We simply do not understand
the complexities of choosing a woman’s gift.
Heck, we barely
understand the complexities of choosing the correct hand
towel in the bathroom. How can we be expected to walk
into a department store, spend 5 to 10 minutes
scrutinizing hundreds of gift options, and emerge with
anything other than a coconut purse?
Furthermore, it’s
when denying this fact to ourselves that we really get
into trouble. This usually occurs when attempting to be
creative with our gift buying by — how else? —
trying to think like a woman. This is a bit like
Donald Rumsfeld trying to be Britney Spears. Even if he
learns the moves and memorizes the songs, once the
wrapping’s off, no one is going to be happy.
So men, take it from
someone who has experienced, first hand, what it’s
like to have portions of your hair ripped out by an
angry wife wielding a cordless shaver: If you think
you’ve unwittingly purchased a stupid gift for the
woman you love, you must do whatever it takes to make
sure she never finds it.
If it’s already too
late, then I’m truly sorry.
But chances are, no
one is ever going to find you.
121703
Ned
Hickson is a member of the National Society of
Newspaper Columnists, and an award-winning humor
columnist for the Siuslaw News in Florence, Oregon.
His weekly column appears throughout the Northwest,
as well as in Michigan, Connecticut, Georgia,
Tennessee and Alabama. He lives on the coast with
his wife, two children, and entirely too many
seagulls.
Archive
|
